Damaged goods
by Jessica12
Summary: Doggett confesses his feelings to himself but will he tell her the truth?


Title: Damaged goods  
  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: DSR  
  
Spoiler: Deadalive  
  
Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where  
  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
  
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Summary: Doggett confesses his feelings to himself but   
will tell her the truth?   
  
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX   
and they are not mine.   
  
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistake may occur.  
  
I wish sometimes that I didn't care about her. I wish that I  
didn't care at all. But I can't just stand back and watch  
her ram her head against the wall over and over again. I   
see the pain that this cause her and I try not to let that   
bother me. This is not my fight. But I want to be there for  
her. Since the day we met she has pushed me away. Many should  
have backed off as soon as they met her. That day when I first  
met her I could see something inside her. I saw fire in her  
eyes and anger. But behind that wall she keeps around her   
heart was a strength and honesty that I admire. I wasn't   
looking for someone to admire, to care about. I tried really  
hard to shut her out of my heart. But I failed.   
She didn't want me in her life. She even hated me. And I was   
foolish enough to lose my heart. I have only loved once in my   
life and look what that brought me. I'm alone.   
Now he's back. The man she loves. I want to take her in my  
arms when she walks up to me and looks at me. She's crying now.  
I wish I could spare her this pain. I wish I could take her   
away her pain somehow. She doesn't deserve this. I know that  
she wants to see him and I know that not even wild horses   
can drag her away from his side. I watch as she enters his room.  
I wish she wouldn't. I know it's not my place to tell her to  
do anything. But still I stand her wanting to hold her.   
  
One week later.  
  
Today is the day that he'll return. I know I should be happy   
and believe me I am. But apart of me wishes that he would   
stay away. I know that I'm being selfish. But I can't help  
myself. I want her for myself. I feel like a child fighting  
over a toy. I know that there is not so much to fight for.  
He has already won. I used to think that I could fill Mulder  
shoes. But she let me know from the start that wasn't possible.  
No one could ever fill his shoes.  
Maybe it was foolish of me to try. But I wanted to prove to   
her that I was worthy. Maybe I was proving to her that I was  
worthy of her love. I don't know. I don't know anything   
anymore. I feel so tired walking around in circles, hiding   
my feelings. I have never been brave when it comes to love.   
I have never considered myself being good-looking. So I have  
always been amazed that women are attracted to me. But I   
have never been in love. Just once. I never thought I ever  
would fall in love. So I put that dream away with all the   
others. Then she came around. Her name was Barbara and fell  
head over heals in love. It was such a wonderful feeling   
being in love. We were so young then. We were ready to take on  
the world. We got married as soon as we could.  
I went in to the army and fought for my country. She stood by  
side, always believing in me. Then he came along. I will   
always love her for giving him to me. Luke. He was the miracle  
I had longed for in my life. He was perfect. He was a blessing  
from heaven. I thanked god for every moment I got to spend   
with him. He was such a beautiful smile. He had smile that  
could warm your heart in a second. But we were torn apart by  
the dark forces. I know, I shouldn't think about it. But not  
a day goes by when I don't think about him. He's apart of me.  
He's my flesh and blood. I know that I should accept the   
things I can't change. He's gone and there's nothing I can do  
to change that. I know there are still so much answers I long   
for but I can't live my life searching for answers that I   
might never get. I have to live the life god has given me.   
I know we'll meet again. Maybe not tomorrow, but one day.  
Barbara and I drifted apart when Luke disappeared. She lost   
her way in the clouds of sorrow that entered our life and I  
was so angry at the world that I didn't see her. I know I was  
blind and selfish. I know that now. But I still think that  
I wasn't alone in this. She pushed me away as I pushed her   
away. I don't blame her. Maybe it was the right for us to  
end the marriage. I knew somewhere inside that we could never  
find the way back to the way things were before Luke. I wish  
her all the best. I talk to her sometimes on the phone.   
She's happy. She's engaged to be married. I'm glad. She   
deserves all the happiness life brings her.   
I feel it hard sometimes looking over my shoulder and remember  
all those faces and all those places from the past. I know  
that you should cherish the past. Believe me, I do. But   
there's part of my life that I just want to forget. I know  
that those parts have mold the man that I am today and I   
should be grateful for the lessons they have taught me. But  
still I want to close my eyes and forget.   
  
- John? What's wrong?  
Scully's voice wakes me from my daydreaming. She's standing   
in the doorway to the office. She looks lovely. She's gotten   
some color back on those cheeks of her and the sorrow that  
once painted her eyes are now all gone. All because of him.   
- What are you doing here, Scully? Shouldn't you be with   
Mulder?  
She enters the office and walks up to my desk and sits down  
on a chair beside it. She smiles a bite when I mention his   
name. It hurts to see her smile.  
- Yes. I will. I was just picking up some files that I left  
here before. I thought I should brief Mulder of what has   
happen since he was away.  
Just like that. I want to hide away from her. I fear if I look  
into her eyes now she would see the sorrow that lives there.  
I have lost her. I know I should back off all let her be happy.  
- John, what's wrong?  
- Nothing. Why should anything be wrong?  
I rise and open the file cabinet. My back is turn to her. Why  
can't she just leave me alone? Why can't she just go so I can  
nurse this broken heart? I can hear her rise and I feel her  
behind me. My hands tremble as I reach for her files. I need  
to be strong now.  
- Please, John. Tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help.  
In that moment I wished I could hate her. But I know I could  
never do that. I just want so badly not to feel like this.  
- You can't help.  
- Yes, I can. Just tell me.  
To tell her would be open my heart totally. That would be   
risking rejection, humiliation and pain. But still I wanted   
know. I turned to her and looked her straight into her eyes.  
Oh, she's beautiful. In my mind voices whisper to tell her  
what's in my heart.  
- Please, John. Let me help, you.  
It seem impossible for my mouth to form those three little   
words. Would it be fair to her to make her choose? Would it  
be fair to her to withhold the truth? Would it be right to  
break the bond she has with Mulder? Would me telling her the  
truth just pushes her further away from me? As I stand there  
looking into her eyes the picture from her reunion with Mulder  
flash before my eyes. She's resisting her head against his   
chest. I could see joy in her eyes, relief and love. She's  
in love with him. I can see it in the way her eyes shine when  
I mention his name. I can hear it in her voice when she talks  
about him. She has waited so long for him.  
Was it crazy to believe that I ever stood a chance? Maybe I'm  
a fool but I still love her. But that she'll never know.  
- Nothing wrong, Scully. I'm just tired.  
Lies, lies. All lies. It's the first time I have ever lied to  
her. But I know it's the right thing to do. I'm sacrificing my  
heart in this game of love we're playing. I have lost her.   
Maybe she was never mine to loose.   
It hurts me so as she smiles her beautiful smile at me and  
takes the file. Her hand brushes mine just for a moment and   
I'm lost. In that single moment I want to reach out for her  
and tell her right then and there about the love I feel inside.  
But I know I have to be strong now. I have to be satisfied   
with just being her friend. I will be the greatest friend she  
will ever have. She says her goodbye and turns and walk out  
of the room. I listen to her steps dying away. My heart starts  
to beat again and I bow my head and whisper:  
- I love you, Scully.  
But that she'll never know.   
  
  
Feedback....Please...j_rothen@yahoo.se 


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